


The Four Times Tony Gets Drunk and the One Time He Does Not

by kitteekatz69



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Clintasha - Freeform, Drunk Tony Stark, F/M, Hilarious, M/M, Steve is having none of your shit today, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Is Not Helping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 22:55:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1759035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitteekatz69/pseuds/kitteekatz69
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark is well known for being an alcoholic. These are the humorous accounts of all the times he goes to a bar and gets drunk and other other avengers have to and pick him up. It usually ends in being pulled over even though Tony is not the one driving.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Four Times Tony Gets Drunk and the One Time He Does Not

**Author's Note:**

> I thought of this late one night and I thought it was funny. Please enjoy. For wo

                Tony is well known for being an alcoholic. Since joining the avengers, he drank more often, and consumed much more, trying to make the memories of falling from a wormhole disappear. Each time he gets hammered, someone has to come get him. He doesn’t make taking him home easy on anyone, and they usually get pulled over, not that Tony cares. He has more than enough money to pay for all the tickets. No one dares put him in jail because New York needs him to fight off the regular, weekly Doom Bot attacks.

**Tony and Natasha**

                The first time Tony got drunk after New York, Natasha was sent to pick him up. She took his Audi, because who doesn’t love fast cars? She glared at him as she dragged him out of the bar, and forced him into the passenger’s seat of the car. The only thing that made this trip worth it was the nice car. Natasha drove down the less crowded streets of New York, breaking all speed limits and swerving in and out of the lanes. Not long after she ran a red light, the red, white and blue lights flashing behind them marked the end of her joyride.

“Tony, stay quiet. I’m going to talk my way out of this,” she said, unbuttoning two buttons on her blouse. She put on a fresh coat of red lipstick and waited for the cop to approach them.

“Is there a problem officer?” She asked, innocently in a heavy southern drawl.

“Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?” Asked the cop, eyes not so subtly looking her over.

“Oh darling, don’t call me ma’am. It makes me sound old. Tony said we could have a little fun.”

                Tony turned his head to look at Natasha. “That’s a horrible southern accent. I thought you said that you were going to talk us out of this,” he slurred. The officer glared at Natasha. “Look, officer, I think the only way that we are going to get out of this ticket is if you get to go on a date with Ms. Southern Bell here.” Tony pulled a notepad from the glove compartment. “This is her personal cell phone number. She’ll go with you any time. Just call,” he said writing down her number. He tore it off and handed it to the cop.

“Sounds fair to me,” said the police officer, accepting the piece of paper, “You two be safe now. Especially you,” he said pointing to Natasha with a wink.

“Tony, I hate you so much,” she sighed.

“Cupid is gonna hate me a lot more than you do when he finds out that you’re going on a date with that guy,” he replied.

 

**Tony and Thor**

The second time tony got drunk, it was Thor’s turn to go and get him. He walked into the bar and found Tony sitting on a bar stool, asleep, drooling on the counter. Thor hoisted him up and began dragging him outside. “Come on Man of Iron. You have had enough to drink this night.” Thor held onto Tony and started spinning his hammer, ready to fly off.

“Wait, wait wait. My car. What about my car?” Tony asked.

“I suppose this can’t be hard to drive. I did pilot a ship made by an alien race a fortnight ago. Surrender your keys to me, Metal Man.” Tony handed him the keys to his dark red convertible that he purchased after the attack on New York. Tony and Thor climbed into the car. Thor stuck the key into the ignition and started the car. He pressed on the gas petal and the car hummed.

“You gotta put it in drive,” Tony slurred, moving the gear shift to the drive position. Thor pressed on the gas pedal and swerved down the street, driving off of the curb. “Watch it, thunder man. This car is my baby.”

                Thor swerved down the streets, never stopping for red lights or pedestrians. They nearly crashed a dozen times before a cop car blared its siren behind them. Tony probably would have been better off driving himself home. “Pull it over, Thor. There’s a cop.”

“I thought America was the land of the free. I don’t need to pull it over,” Thor argued.

“Just do it,” Tony said, annoyed.

                Thor pulled the car to the side of the road. The cop walked up to the car and his eyes went wide when he saw that it was Thor.

“Sir, may I see your license?” The officer asked, nervous.

“What is this license you speak of? I am Thor, Son of Odin. I do not need a license,” Thor boomed.

“I’m going to need you to step out of the car,” the officer demanded, not all that confident.

“You want me to step out of the car?” Thor said, grabbing his hammer, lightning beginning to crackle in the night sky.

“On second thought, you can stay. Just put the hammer down,” the cop said, pale in the face. He looked like he was going to faint.

“I’m just going to give you your ticket, Mr. Odinson,” the cop said.

                Tony decided it was time to intervene.

“Wait, doesn’t he get diplomatic immunity? He’s from another planet, and he comes here to protect us. You’re seriously going to give two of Earth’s most powerful and influential men a ticket?”

                The cop swallowed nervously. “On second thought, it was just a joke. You two enjoy your night.” The cop walked back to his car and drove off.

“Man of Iron, that was fantastic. I was simply trying to scare him away, and you aided me wonderfully in doing so. I would like one of those…what do you call it…a high five.”

                Tony chuckled and held up his hand. Thor smacked it hard, leaving Tony with a stinging hand, and a dislocated shoulder.

**Tony and Clint**

                The next time Tony got drunk, it was Clint’s turn to go pick him up. Clint was still angry at Tony for sending Natasha on a date with the creepy cop. She ended up breaking the cop’s hand when he tried to grope her during the date. Clint pulled up in his car since Tony had walked to the bar this time. “Hop in, beer breath,” Clint said in his usual annoyed tone. Tony got into the car. “Tony, I should just drive you to the middle of nowhere and kick you out of my car for sending Nat on a date with that creep of a cop,” he said as they started their drive home.

                Tony pulled out his Stark Phone and began hacking into the control mechanisms on Clint’s car. Even drunk he was still brilliant. And stupid. He took over the car and used his phone to steer. “Ahh,” Clint yelled, startled that Tony managed to take over his car. It had a computer system built in, that would definitely be removed. “Tony! Stop! You’re going to get us both killed!” Clint scolded.

“Not happening, Legolas. I’m driving. I’m not risking you dropping me off in the middle of nowhere.” They swerved all over the road, drunken Tony unable to keep his hands steady with his phone. Lights flashed behind them and Tony stopped the car. He disconnected his phone from the car and put it back into his pocket.

“Sir, are you drunk?” The cop said to Clint who rolled down the window.

“Nope, but he is,” Clint said pointing to Tony. “Just gimme the ticket. I don’t have time for this.” The cop wrote him a ticket for reckless driving and handed it to him before walking back to his car.

“You’re paying for this Stark,” Clint said, clearly angry.

“Whatever you say, Robin Hood.”

**Tony and Steve**

                Tony sometimes gets handsy when he is drunk. Steve walked into the bar, it being his turn to pick up Tony, and took away his drink. “Come on, Stark. Let’s go home.”

                Steve had taken his motorcycle. He climbed on and told Tony to put his hands around his waist. The started driving back to Stark Towers when Tony decided to pipe up.

“Hey cap, why haven’t you ever been on a date. You’re a beautiful muscular blonde,” Tony asked, curious.

“Too busy,” Steve replied.

“Nah, that can’t be it. Thor has Jane and he lives on another freaking planet,” Tony pushed.

“Are you more into the guys?” Tony asked, reaching his hands over Steve’s abs, “because that’s totally legal now.”

“Stark, you’re pushing it. Stop or I’ll make you call a cab,” commanded Steve.

“Come on, capsicle, loosen up a bit. Have some fun,” Tony said, reaching a hand down to pinch Steve’s butt. Steve slammed on the brakes the motorcycle skidded to a halt on the side of the road. Tony’s stomach lurched as he nearly fell off.

“Get off. Now. You’re drunk. It isn’t right,” Steve demanded as he pulled out his phone. He dialed a cab to come and pick up the drunken billionaire. Steve gave him his leather jacket and sped away. Tony sighed.

“He’s still just as cold towards me as when he was frozen in ice.”

 

**Bruce and Tony**

                The one time that Tony did not get drunk, it was actually Bruce who got drunk. Tony was sent to pick him up because if he hulked out, Tony was the one person that the hulk would not harm, and would calm down for. Tony brought a spare change of clothes for him just in case.

“Come on Bruce, let’s get you back home,” Tony said, grabbing Bruce by the arm.

Bruce giggled madly, “Hulk smashed,” he slurred.

“Oh Jesus,” Tony laughed quietly.

“I’m glad they didn’t send the God of Thunder, because then I would be hammered,” Bruce giggled.

“Oh my hell. Come on,” Tony said dragging Bruce to the car. He had taken one of the less expensive ones on the off chance that Bruce hulked out.

They drove back to the tower, Bruce making bad avengers puns the whole time.


End file.
